![]() Some stereotypical rape scripts may apply more in situations of conflict, displacement, and natural disasters, when reports of outdoor rape by armed strangers become more frequent. She brought it out and, as per the usual, told me that something would happen unless I had sex with her.” “The third was the only directed actually at me, where she had somehow acquired a gun. The second was that she had a knife, and threatened to cut herself throughout the course of the night unless we had sex. “The first was where she would hit herself until we had sex. Hayes remembers three particular incidents when his ex-girlfriend was both high and threatening. (Matthew’s name has been changed in this story at his request.) But his girlfriend was usually coercive rather than physically violent, which is why he resisted thinking of it as rape. He’d known that the relationship he was in, in his early 20s, wasn’t normal. Matthew Hayes, who lives in California, understands how hard it is to use that word. Only 24% of those who’d been raped as adults called it rape. A study conducted by Peterson and colleagues asked 323 men to complete an online questionnaire about their sexual experiences. Distressingly, the majority of men who were sexually abused as children or raped as adults don’t consider their experiences to be abuse or rape. That, ironically, makes the experience less like the ‘real rape’ narrative so many of us are taught – which may be why women who don’t fight back “are less likely to label the experience as rape”, says Peterson.Īnother cultural script is that only women and girls can be sexually assaulted. But it also makes them less likely to fight back. The brain may dissociate to help a survivor get through the moment. And I know that when I learned to do it, it wasn’t a good thing.” “I have a very complicated relationship with dissociation because I understand that it’s a marker of a trauma. “I’m seeking sexual experiences that overwhelm me, and that make me basically leave my body,” she explains matter-of-factly. Revisiting this trauma is a way for her to try to understand it. With years of therapy behind her, she’s now a mother and an attorney for an organisation in Oregon that advocates for survivors of sexual assault.Įven today, Korbel finds herself sometimes re-experiencing the bodily dissociation that she first encountered with her assaulter. “I really took all of the blame for it for at least nine or ten years,” she says. It took Marissa Korbel more than a decade to view what had happened to her not as an affair, but as assault. This must just be how it was, she thought. ![]() She hadn’t experienced these things before – but neither had she ever been with an older man. This was a full-body shaking, more like a quake than a shiver. Sometimes she felt as if she was separate from her body, which would shake and shake after seeing him. She told herself it was a romantic affair.īut her body and mind would do strange things when they were together. ![]()
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